Honoring Our Teachers: In Memory of Bert Hellinger

Bert Hellinger was the founder of Systemic Constellations work, and last week he died at the age of 93. Although he had many precursors upon which he built his work, it can’t be denied that his discoveries and synthesis were truly original, and for many of us, life-changing.

Obviously, it’s changed my life! It’s most of what I do these days, when I’m not hiking or sleeping. Aside from providing me with a profession that calls on all my intelligence, heart and dignity, what has he given me?

Love what is.
Honor our forebears.
Include what has been excluded.
Love undergirds everything.
Belonging is.
Our fates deserve our respect.
Mourn what is lost, and speak what is true.
Redress wrongs without vengeance.
Pay attention.

And so much more. I won’t attempt to summarize his life and work here. It’s been done better by others which you can find here.

Instead of trying to describe his life, I will instead describe one constellation. I was honored to see him work in Mexico City in 2015, one of the last times he led constellation work publicly. As everyone who met him knows, he is a complicated man, and it was a complicated experience. But I will never forget one particular constellation.

From a room of 800 people gathered in the hotel ballroom, one man was chosen to be seeker. He sat next to Hellinger in silence. That’s how Hellinger always started – with a lengthy, pregnant and weighty silence. I imagined he was just being there, without doing anything, present to the seeker, probably noticing a million things I couldn’t see, but not making a fuss about it, either.

Then, he invited the young man next to him to say one word, one word only. Can you imagine! You finally get to sit down next to Hellinger, and you get one word! The seeker took his time. You could see this young man’s great dignity, as he sat with what was in his heart. Then, he turned to Hellinger and said “addiction.”

I can’t quite communicate the power of that word – it had a huge field around it, full of grief and longing and despair and desire. A whole history, unknown to us in the audience, but its emotional truth clearly present. Hellinger looked at the young man kindly, without any fanfare, no hand holding, no attempt to help, really. Very present, but without an ounce of pity.

He then set up the constellation. Two representatives, that was it. He asked someone in the audience to be the seeker’s father. And he had the seeker represent himself. He set them up on the stage facing each other, about fifteen feet apart. Then, we all sat and watched.

Nothing happened. For a long time, they didn’t move at all, just looked at each other. We in the audience sat and observed. The feelings in the room were intense: so much love, longing, hurt. And an odd, wonderful pressure – a bubble of life around the two representatives, for them and them alone, as we sat and waited.

Nothing was happening, and yet tears were streaming down my face. Because everything was happening. After five minutes or so, the two men took a step toward each other. That was it. Nothing else happened, but I could feel how everything was happening – a remarkable softening and opening. Love that had wanted to feel and look like love, finally, was becoming exactly that kind of love.

So, the two representatives took another two steps toward each other. Tears continued to stream down my face. I was seeing a reunion, and the joy was so big. They kept stepping, slowly, no rush. After fifteen minutes, they reached each other, and with great simplicity and dignity, they embraced. The seeker was holding his father, the father was holding his son.

After a few minutes, they let go, nodded at each other, and the representative for the father left the stage. Not a word had been spoken by anyone during the constellation. The seeker sat down next to Hellinger, smiling. Hellinger was smiling, too. They sat like that for a few minutes. Eventually, the seeker left the stage. And my tears continued for some time after that.

Thank you, Bert Hellinger, for all of the family re-connections that have taken place due to your simple, graceful work. Your work is done, and please bless us as we continue your work, in your honor, and for the pleasure of being in service to love.

Next week, my annual constellations training starts. (There’s still more room!) I wrote this email to the trainees already enrolled:

Dear Training Participants,

I received the news that the founder of constellations work, our founder, Bert Hellinger, died yesterday. As some of you know, I was leading constellations yesterday, just as this was occurring. My heart is full today. When we gather in a few weeks, we will do him honor. Your launch into this work is a sign of how the work that he started goes well beyond him. He would be so happy that you are doing this. (I am not being sentimental – he often talked about how he would demonstrate the work, and then just encourage people to go out and try and do it!) It feels an immensely propitious time to start this learning together. I invite you into a moment today to acknowledge and honor this, in accord with whatever traditions you have to honor the recently dead.

What impacts have Bert Hellinger or Family Constellations had on your life? I warmly invite you to add your commemorations to my blog below, were we can share about what this passing means to us….