The Power of “Positive Labeling”

I’ve just returned from two weeks in New Zealand. (Enjoy the pretty photos!) I led a two-day workshop in Auckland while I was there, and as always, some interesting themes arose as we worked. And, one in particular:

The Power of “Positive Labeling” is what I am calling it. Clinical psychotherapy has a more technical term – it’s called “differentiation.” This idea was introduced by Murray Bowen, the founder of Family Systems Psychology (a critical forerunner of constellations work). Bowen noticed that in human groups, emotions are shared naturally. Think of another mammal, Meerkats. When one is frightened of a possible threat, they make a loud “Eek!” and they all become frightened. When a big enough group of them calm down again, they all become calm. Or, think of meetings at work – if the environment is intense or anxious, it’s almost impossible to calm yourself down. This comes from really important and useful biological functions, which make sure that the emotional news of the group is communicated to everyone.

You can imagine how difficult it can be, however, when a group is stuck in an emotion, and you can’t get out. How to be calm in an anxious work environment? How to be happy in a depressed family? How to feel well about yourself when your parents are traumatized people, constantly experiencing anger or fear or a need to over-control? Inevitably, the group emotion wins out. We cannot resist these group feelings (especially in childhood, when survival is dependent upon belonging). Until…

…until the reason for the original stuck emotion is revealed and included. Again, think about the work meeting situation. Everyone is cranky and anxious and pressured until the leader of the meeting admits she just got a worrisome biopsy, and can’t stop thinking about her children and how she is going to tell them. Then everyone takes a breath, settles down, and shifts into a more positive form of emotional sharing. The real reason for the stuck feeling has been revealed, and we can now feel safe sharing again.

From the point of view of psychology, the work group has “differentiated” itself, by properly labeling who is having what feelings for what reasons. Instead of being in a cloud of disturbing and pretty un-trackable thoughts and feelings (which we are probably busy trying to explain in ways that have nothing to do with the feelings – Am I doing something wrong? Or, This would work better if we had clearer agendas!), we now have a shared awareness of what’s what, who has what feelings, and what our place in that dynamic is.

This obviously applies to families as well. What does it mean when a brother, who seems to have picked fights with you your whole life, finally sits you down and tells you about how his coach sexually abused him in grade school? So, it wasn’t really about you at all – his rage was about something his world insisted he must keep secret.

Or, maybe your mother finally reveals that she had to give away her first child to adoption, because it was the product of a teenage affair, and her parents wouldn’t let her keep the child. As she shares, you feel her lifelong grief, and recognize that grief wasn’t actually about you at all. These differentiations make an enormous difference – we can breathe, we feel safe, we now have a way to respond congruently.

Obviously, before the workshop in New Zealand, I knew all this. But over and over again, in our constellations, the simple power of differentiation – of labeling properly – was revealed. That anger? It belongs to my father, not to me. That thing I distrust in my boss? It’s the Shadow part of myself I haven’t been able to make friends with (yet). That persistent longing for something I can’t have? It’s an old version of life that has been made impossible by how things actually unfolded, and now needs mourning so I can powerfully move on. That conflict between me and my partner? It’s been a way to honor and include the war my parents survived in childhood, and now I can see it for what it is and give it back to them.

When has “Proper Labeling” made a difference to you? Or, what is something that remains muddy and overwhelming and vaguely heart-breaking (all signs of lack of differentiation) that might need some proper labeling to be resolved? Please share your stories, thoughts and questions on my blog below, so that we can all benefit from our shared growth….